Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Broken

Sometimes I wonder why God allows us to live in a world filled with pain, heartache, and seemingly unending trials. Some days I wake up and simply ache to go home. I know God put me on this earth for a purpose, and I'm content to stay here until He deems me ready to return to Heaven, but I truly cannot wait until the moment I am freed from this body, this mind, and this world. As most of you already know, for the past two+ years I've battled an unwelcome autoimmune disease which seems to do nothing more than wreak havoc on my body. Its painful, exhausting, unpredictable, and emotionally draining. But even through all the pain I endure or will ever have to endure- I know there is purpose. My tattoo reminds me once again that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made". God didn't make any mistakes when He lovingly knit me together, but He did place me in a broken world with a broken body so I might be a light that shines for Him.
I know this video looks long (8min) but please take a few minuets to watch it. This simple video had the power to change my pain, alter my pessimistic view of life, and remind me once again of the great glory of our God.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

An Enchanted Life

I want to live here...

And be her...


And wear these pretty shoes everyday...

Monday, November 9, 2009

The flu stinks- but chic hippies make me happy

The flu sucks.
Every year around this time I get a call from mom who lovingly suggests I get the annual flu shot- and every year I refuse. I pride myself on my rather hardy immune system, which means I'm not interested in having a dead form of the flu injected into my body only to risk side effects that mimic the flu itself. Its just all sounds silly if you ask me.... until I get the true flu that is. Yep that's right. Sunday evening around midnight I was pleasantly awoken by body aches, chills, and vomiting. Lots and lots of vomiting. I basically thought I was dying. And while I didn't die, I did get pretty well acquainted with the floor of my sister's guest bathroom. It was nice- kinda cold and a bit uncomfortable, but nice overall. Finally today I feel somewhat normal. A little weak, a little tired, but generally good. Which of course means it is time to DISINFECT my entire apartment!! So while I attempt this rather large and daunting project, here are some of my latest pieces of inspiration for you to drool over. I know they help me feel better! Enjoy!

Don't you just want to join in and dance with her?!?

So free- so beautiful!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A State of Being

Fashion- I crave it. Live it. And ache to breathe it in.
My style is eclectic and my inspiration random.
There is no method I follow. No rules I stick to.
It is deeply personal, ever changing, and always objective.
No one is right and no one is wrong.
This is my world- a reflection of who I am.
It's comfortable, easy, simple, a tiny bit dark, somewhat slouchy, and always interesting.
Today, this is what inspires me.....








A friend once taught me that to be "stylish" and to have style are two very different things.
Wearing clothing might be easy- but wearing confidence takes strength.

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Library Hideout

I've been submerged in a strange mood lately. Maybe its because school is utterly stressing me out. Or maybe its because the holidays are rapidly approaching and I feel completely unready for such busyness. Or maybe its simply because with everything I attempt to accomplish, I suddenly become unequivocally distracted. Procrastination has become my new best friend. Nothing gets done these days. My apartment is a wreak. My car looks as if my closet threw up in it. My dishes have piled up. My laundry remains undone. My bed has no sheets. My carpet shows no signs of vacuum lines. My dishwasher smells a little. My fridge hasn't been emptied in far too long. And I currently have no fresh groceries to speak of. My world is chaotic and I have neither the time nor desire to clean it up. Sometime I can live in a mess and still feel at peace, but not today. Today it feels..... distracting. And annoying. So here I sit- in the library, my escape of choice. The smell of used and check out books fills the air and refreshes my spirit. Its quiet here. Peaceful and calm. I'm amongst fellow book nerds and I feel at home. My two greatest addictions sit at my right hand- coffee and a new book. All is well for the moment. And although my messy apartment awaits my arrival, I'm pretending it does not exist. Denial suits me today. Yes- coffee, a good book, and a large helping of denial... just what the doctor ordered.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Farm Fun


I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. The best role I play in life is that of "Aunt". My niece and nephew simply light up my life with their precious smiles, unending curiosity, hilarious quotes, and unceasing energy. They have a way of keeping me grounded and allowing me to see the world through fresh and innocent eyes. Their world is untainted and beautiful- and I desperately wish I always saw through their unjaded filter.
This past weekend the kids and I took a trip to Old McDonald Farm where we gallivanted around the property going from the petting zoo, to the hay rides, to the pumpkin patch, and of course to the majestic horses. It was an afternoon full of fun and excitement- and I for one felt privileged to have experienced it with them.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Mom Hair- I'm too young for it

Ok- deep breaths. I can do this. I can handle the abomination that is my new horrid hair cut.
It's just hair. It's just hair.
My hair does not define me. It only sits on top of my head for the world to see.
Wait- no! Its ok. I'm fine. The important thing is I'm alive. Reality check please!
I can rock any style right? Even if I came out of the salon looking like I had a forty year old "mom" do on my cute 21 year old body. I can still rock that. I'll set a new trend- who needs great hair when you have great confidence....
Now where do I get some great confidence... hmmm.
Maybe I'll steal some from my gorgeous model sister Bri.
Oh and did I mention- I have a photo shoot with her today. Not only is she tall and thin and beautiful beyond words, I have to stand next to her- with MOM HAIR!!!
Great!
My life ladies and gentleman.
No offense God- but your sense of humor is seriously lacking today.
*Sigh* Why can't I look cute?? Just once! I dont need a perfectly toned body or a clear flawless complexion. I dont need amazingly expensive clothes or top of the line make-up.
But as vain as it sounds- I NEED my hair. I need one thing I love. One thing I feel good about. I need one worldly thing I can hold onto and be proud of.
But apparently God has a different opinion- so this is what I'm stuck with.....


Tuesday, October 20, 2009


In the midst of the chaotic life I often lead, I've learned my survival depends not upon the food I feed my body, but rather the food I feed my soul. Its my "soul food" if you will. The things that make my heart happy despite bad circumstances or difficult trials. They're the things that bring me joy, ground my soul, and remind me of God's deep love. I can't imagine my life without dancing in my apartment while I clean, or without spontaneous road trips with girlfriends who make me laugh, or morning bike rides with my sister, or quiet picnics in the park, or reading under the shade of a big tree, or spending daily quiet time with the Lord, or tickling babies and hearing their sweet giggles, or eating ice cream with a fork right out of the container, or playing board games while drinking a beer, or roller blading at 10:00 at night, or listening to music in the car and letting it wash over me, or feeding my unhealthy obsession with all things reality TV related, or having coffee with friends at cute coffee shops. It's only by the grace of God I'm able to get through the mundane day to day responsibilities I have, but dont be fooled- I dont thrive on the mundane, I thrive on the moments that feed my soul, refresh my spirit, and give me a renewed energy to press onward.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My Soul Sister

Ever since the day I heard my first Alanis Morissette song, I was addicted. I adore her free spirit, independent style, honest lyrics, and her love for all things humanitarian related. She's wonderful. I basically want to be her- ok on second thought I don't want to be her- but she is perhaps one of the greatest inspirations to me. So its no surprise when I received a email newsletter from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) yesterday that I almost fell off my chair when they announced Alanis Morissette had just completed the Bizz Johnson Marathon (26.2 miles!) with NEDA as her organization of choice!! I knew it- I just knew Alanis and I were kindred spirits!! Not only is she passionate about stopping eating disorders, but she also personally knows the pain of having one and now has a passion to raise greater awareness.
*SIGH* - I love it!
Here is Alanis Morissette's interview with NEDA:

1. What motivated you to run a Marathon?

I was excited to have my orientation shift from viewing my body singularly as an ornament to that of being an instrument…and I had begun running for the first time about a year ago, after having been inspired on my tour by watching my assistant leah run like a gazelle every time we would work out.

2. How did you choose the National Eating Disorders as your charity of choice for the run?

I knew that the training for the marathon would not be sustainable if it weren’t for some star of Bethlehem for me to look to throughout it. Infusing the training with a real sense of purpose and contribution was what would make it possible for me. For me to offer up the run to this higher cause. I have seen the positive effects of movement (empowerment, attunement, care, considerate “fueling”, sleep, rest etc) and I wanted to offer this run to anyone who has had a fraught relationship with their food, their body and their heart and soul.

3. Were you worried that training for a marathon might trigger some eating disordered type behaviors?

I was worried, and it did. And I forgave myself. And was gentle. And I saw that there was no way for me to maintain a high level of energy to do the training if I was under eating or eating in a way that wasn’t caring. So the training itself created a great context and container for me to find a balance in how I fueled myself. I was able to tune into the subtleties of what made me run faster and with more fire.

4. What is your number one goal in this marathon? Is it about speed, the accomplishment if finishing or making a statement about getting healthy and overcoming an eating disorder?

I don’t know if an eating disorder can be “beaten” as much as it can be loved and understood into some personal version of harmony. I knew that the training for this would take my healing to another level. My main goal began with my wanting to finish it. As I trained, my goal began to run at an increasingly faster pace..which became the case. Super exciting.

5. How do you think you will feel after you complete this marathon?

Relieved, excited, exhausted, happy. Ready to celebrate. :-)

6. What would you tell people who become obsessed with over exercise?

It’s another sneaky version of bulimia. And that it too warrants gentleness and inquiry. Asking myself questions about why I ate more than I needed (was I staving off loneliness? Was I angry? Was I tired? Did I need snuggles and couldn’t find them? Etc) and then I would look to why I was training. what helped the most was the great structure to the training, its’ benefits were immeasurabe. Ie: I never really went above what I had committed to doing in the training, and my assistant leah and I were accountable to each other (SO important to have this!) and supported each other when we needed to take it easy. And also championed each other when we needed a little wind in our sails. So inquiry, gentleness, and accountability with a caring a wise friend all helped.

7. Where do you draw the line of healthy exercise vs. over obsessive exercise?

I am onto myself these days. So I can tell when I am being obsessive. There is a fiendy quality to the run (and often it is done when I am beyond tired, often at night. So too many late night time runs—not always—can indicate my being obsessive. I have the order of priorities: sleep first. Food second. Running third. So if I don’t have the first two nailed, I can’t run. So it incentivized me to nurture the first two. When I run healthfully I feel empowered and kind. When I run obsessively I feel nervous, stressed out and disassociated.

8. For far too long, eating disorders have been stigmatized and treated as lifestyle choices rather than the serious illnesses that they are. Do you understand how powerful it is that you are willing to stand up and advocate on behalf of NEDA and people struggling with these illnesses that they represent?

Yes I do. It has been at the front of my mind throughout the entire training for me. I have often become choked up on my runs because of it. This relationship with my body and heart and feelings and food and hormones and structure is so delicate and fragile at times…and is complicated in a way a lot of people don’t understand. There can be a flippancy and lack of empathy toward it based on people’s limited understanding. The care and sense of love and community around this subject that I share with fellow strugglers is all the more profound based on the massive misunderstandings that there have been around it. I am writing a book right now and I get into this subject even more in it.

9. Why do you think so many people remain silent about eating disorders?

There’s this perception that overeating is for the weak-willed. But you have never met a more steeled and brave and willfull person as anyone addressing weight and food issues. We are all very smart and steely and there is so much to an eating disorder beyond what people know. There is shame around it as well based on the fact that you often can’t hide your struggle. Many addictions can be hidden and swept under the rug. Often peoples’ struggle with food is evidenced physically. There is great shame that underlies this struggle. And added shame at the fact that there is not a lot of empathy for how intricate and complex the disorder is. I am happy to stand by people (and myself) in this healing, because I understand first hand how there are so many elements that play into it, far beyond the “self-control” admonition that if often hurled at us.

10. Do you see our society doing any better in promoting health rather than size?

I do see there being many more books and articles out there about health. And that’s exciting. However I still see the skew being toward “health for skinny-ness” orientation. Weight loss or gain as an incidental aspect of becoming healthier is exactly that: incidental and unavoidable in a cause and effect kind of way. But ultimately a shift toward greater health is its’ own reward…the energy and sense of well-being and self-love and care are the great brass rings. Sleeping better. Improving our relationship with ourselves, with our feelings, with our sense of spirit, with our friends and lovers and family….it is a holistic shift…not one that is carried by chasing a number on a scale. I do notice that the shift in pop culture has moved toward a body composition conversation versus an outright weight conversation. I see that personalizing a lifestyle skewed toward healthful eating and movement and relating is the key piece. Because otherwise, any change is going to be temporary at best.

11. In your industry, do you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect?

Yes. And that has gotten more extreme with plastic surgery etc being so commonplace. Almost expected of you at this point. I do notice though, that I never feel more beautiful than when I am well fed, well rested and well “moved” as I call it (exercise/dancing etc). I feel so alive when my hormones and sensual pleasure is considered, when the spiritual and emotional aspects of myself are tended to. and when I am tuning in my wounded, fragile parts and my feelings with inquiry rather than food. Beyond that, make up and clothes and color and hairstyle become fun in an incidental, fun and secondary way.

12. As a terrific talent and role model, what would you tell young people struggling with eating disorders?

I would tell them that they are not alone. That they are not crazy. That they are not weak and faint-willed. I would tell them that there is a way toward love and care and self-acceptance, and that it is a process and that takes time, and that time is all we have. And that there is support here for us. And that unconditional love does exist. that there is a way toward a sense of beauty that transcends AND includes color and cut and whimsy and sexiness outside of the confines of what 2% of all human beings look like. And that health is the portal to the unique version of a felt beauty that we all possess.



Thank you Alanis!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Now that's more like it!

Its not about being "a size zero" or "plus sized", its about being your own natural healthy weight. Its about embracing the body God gave you and not shoving it into a size you were never meant to fit. Bravo to these brave and stunningly beautiful women! We need more images like these in our magazines.
Below is an interview with the amazing women in this picture. Although the video is a bit lengthy (10min) I highly encourage all of you to watch it in its entirety.
Enjoy.
P.S. Please support Glamor Magazine's effort to widen the definition of beauty by picking up an issue today. Thankfully, the magazine has now promised to picture women of all sizes and ethnicity in every issue they run! Hallelujah!!