My Complicated Jumbled Thoughts

The weekend is now near, and as I prepare for what is sure to be a three day emotional roller coaster, I'm beginning to feel a bit unsure.

You see, Casey comes home tomorrow.

Thats right, Casey as in my ex boyfriend Casey. The one who left for Minnesota two months ago for an in depth training in Biomedical Sales, and broke my heart when he told me he was being relocated to New York.... that Casey. As if there were any other.

As I tell most people who inquire about how I'm doing.... Its complicated.

Yes I've been talking with him daily, yes I still care about him deeply, and no I dont know what the current status of our relationship is.

Yes I will be seeing him this weekend, no we are not back together, yes I'm incredibly nervous, and no I dont know what to expect.

Part of me absolutely cant wait to see him, to hug him, to sit in my living room and drink wine with him, but part of me wonders if I'm only making things worse.

Is our relationship doomed to end at some point?

Am I putting off walking away completely so I wont have to feel the ache of a broken relationship?

Do prolonged periods of long distance in a relationship even have a remote possibility of working?

Would it be worth the years of separation and hard work we would have to face?

*SIGH*

I dont know.

I dont have any answers.

I dont know what to tell people anymore.

I'm tired of talking about, thinking about it, and crying over it.

I'm through explaining, defending, and making excuses for it.

When it comes down to it, Casey isnt just an ex boyfriend, he's my friend. He understands me and truly knows me. He makes me laugh, and has a uncanny ability to calm me down. He challenges me and fights with me. He pushes me to grow and has no problem telling me when I'm wrong. He isnt afraid of my past or the current baggage I carry. My messy, complicated, disorganized, emotional life doesnt even make him flinch.

He doesnt care that I'm irrational, easily annoyed, highly impatient, or totally messed up. He knows that my stubborn control freak personality is part of my charm.

He listens when I need to talk, and offers advice when I ask.

He prays with me, gives scripture to me, and encourages me through all things.

So what the heck am I supposed to do???

Throw that away, or hold on like hell to a guy who is truly one in a million?

I dont know.....

He comes home tomorrow and for once in my life I'm at a loss.

Nanny Diaries

Phrases I repeated more than once today:

1. No no we dont throw toys at people
   
2. Be nice to the puppy James
   
3. No we're not watching TV today
   
4. Yucky! Dont touch that!
   
5. Sit on your bottom please
   
6. SHHHH!
   
7. Would you like to sit in timeout??
   
8. Time to clean up
   
9. Do you need to use the potty?
   
10. You want more milk?
    
11. Use your words please

Nanny + 2 children under the age of 5 = Preparation for "mommy-hood"

21 Days Left....

21 Days till my 21st Birthday!!!

In celebration of almost turning 21, I decided I needed a change. A quick pick me up. Some thing to make me feel new and pretty.

So what did I do??

I dyed my hair for the VERY FIRST TIME!!
Nothing too drastic of course, just a little red and dark brown to give an all around warmer and fun flare. I tried to take some pictures of it, but unfortunately the red is hard to see in artificial light... sunlight is much better.

Anyway here are some shots I got...

It definitely doesnt look nearly as pretty as it does in person, but regardless I couldnt be more thrilled with the results. It was a little pick me up that was very much needed.

Shout out to Kathey my hair dresser!! Your awesome girl!

Domestic Diva

As much as I hate to admit it, its true. I'm simply not very domestic. Which is actually quite a surprise seeing that my mom is the ultimate Martha Stewart. Instead of inheriting her cleanliness, organization ability, sewing skills, and baking talents, I inherited my dad's cluttery, unorganized, carefree spirit. While most of the time I enjoy the chaotic mess I call my life, there are times when enough is enough.

I awoke this morning annoyed with my messy kitchen and dusty furniture. My fridge smelled, my carpet was showing sign of defeat, and my toilets needed some major scrubbing. It was time to get down and dirty. Instead of whining and grumbling about the work ahead, as I usually tend to do, I rolled up my sleeves, put on my adorable apron from Anthropologie (might as well look cute while cleaning), and began to channel my inner June Cleaver. Turns out I'm nothing like June.... not even in the slightest But after almost a bottle of Clorox Anywhere, four dirty rags, and some major gaging on my part, the apartment was spotless! Thank the Lord! I'm praying the Lord gives me the discipline and strength to keep it this way. Nothing says clean quite like the smell of lemon furniture polish and the aroma of lit candles filling the air.

*SNIFF*..... *AHHHH*....

I wish I had taken some before pictures of my apartment... well actually on second thought I'm glad I didn't. That could have been embarrassing.

Anyway, here are some pictures to enjoy of my clean and humble abode :-)

Life Update

So little time, so much to blog!

First let me start off by saying HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

In celebrating this wonderful planet God created and so graciously gave for us to look after, please do something "Green" today.... here are a few suggestions:

1. Plant some flowers or do some gardening
2. Recycle any plastic bottles, soda cans, or other recyclable materials you may have
3. Do your grocery shopping with your own eco friendly shopping bag
4. Take shorter showers
5. Use energy saving light bulbs
6. Turn off the water while brushing your teeth
7. Use less napkins and paper towels
8. And for those shopaholics out there... go to your nearest Payless and buy a new pair of stylish and eco friendly shoes by Zoe&Zac (all under $30!)Arent they just adorable???

Anyway, hope those suggestions gave you a few ideas of small ways you can improve our planet everyday.

Ok now on to bigger and better news.... *drum roll please*..... My Anatomy test if FINALLY OVER!!! Can I get a "woot woot"?!?

In celebration of such an event, I treated myself to some quality "me time". After two weeks of putting my workout routine on hold to study, I finally returned to it today. Its safe to say my trainer Nicole made up for the missed workouts by kicking my butt extra hard. We're talkin running up two flights of cement stairs over 30 times, not to mention dozens of sit ups, push ups, and squats. Ouch my butt is gonna kill tomorrow.

After some serious sweating I figured if I'm gonna work my butt off to get in shape I might as well tan this pasty white butt as well... so off to the pool I headed. As my sister can attest, my laying out skills are seriously lacking. After about an hour in the sun I become so hot and sticky I simply crave shade and a nice glass of ice water. But hey at least I got some sun right??

Goodbye white flabby body.... hello tan toned Arizona girl! :-)

To top off the day, I got a call from my boss who gave me some good news/bad news.

Good News: I dont have to work tomorrow!!

Bad News: James has severe tonsillitis and is battling a high fever and a whole lot of pain :-(

Please be in prayer these next few days for my little pumpkin! Pray the Lord heals his inflamed tonsils quickly preventing any kind of surgery needed to remove them. Also pray that the Lord would comfort him while he's feeling sick and miserable.

Another day as a Nanny

Much of today has been spent in prayer for little Stellen and his wonderful family. I simply cant imagine the "storm" they are facing right now, and their situation definitely weighs heavy on my heart. I took the opportunity while at work to tell Brooklynn about baby Stellen, and together her and I said a prayer for him and worked on a poster in support of him and the entire MckKinney family.

It was wonderful to see the love even a four year old can have for a child who is sick. Sometimes the greatest blessings come from the deepest pain.

On a lighter note, as I continued on with my busy afternoon of doing laundry, washing dishes, picking up toys, and yes watching Oprah, I quickly placed James in his highchair for lunch, failing to notice the look of exhaustion on his face. A few minuets later I turned around to check on him and saw this....

What a little sweetie! Poor guys was so pooped out he couldnt even eat.

I just love my job!! :-)

Praying for Stellen

PRAYING FOR STELLEN!

For those of you who dont know Stellen's story, please click on the link below to read MckMamma's blog and become familiar with baby Stellen's story.

Because of his serious heart condition, Stellen is currently in surgery as I type. In honor of him, and to remind our selves and others to be in prayer all day, Please wear ORANGE of some kind.

We love you Stellen and are praying for God's healing on your tiny little heart!!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

NOT ME MONDAY!

Yet another round of "Not Me Monday". Hooray!

1. I am NOT currently wearing the same thing I wore all day yesterday and slept in last night.
2. I did NOT spend four hours studying (cramming actually) this morning right before my anatomy practical.
3. I did NOT later find out that I managed to pull of an A+ on the practical :-)
4. My left flip flop did NOT break while at school today, forcing me to walk around with only one shoe on all morning.... how embarrassing!
5. I am NOT making my life more complicated by talking with my ex boyfriend on the phone everyday
6. I am NOT thinking I'm totally crazy for moving to Arizona when I can hardly stand the 89 degree weather today.
7. I do NOT have a sink full of dishes and a laundry basket full of dirty clothes that I continue to walk past and ignore.
8. I am NOT totally and utterly stressed out for part two of my Anatomy exam on Wednesday
9. I am NOT planning on stealing food out of my parents refrigerator later today.

And finally....

10. I am NOT wasting my afternoon catching up on all the blogs I follow.

What are you NOT doing today???

ANATOMY ANATOMY ANATOMY

Digestive system... respiratory system... Cardiovascular system... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

The only thoughts running through my head this past week have been those pertaining to the Anatomy of the human body as I prepare to take my third (and second to last) Anatomy midterm. While its true that I love what I'm learning, the stress of it all makes me want to pull out my hair sometimes.

I literally found myself naming the sequential order of the bowel while in the shower this morning...

..."Duodenum, jejunum, ileum, ileocecal valve, cecum, ascending colon, transverse colon, descending colon, sigmoid colon...."

Its a sad day when these are the only thoughts running through my head. Forget whats happening in our world or economy, I have bigger fish to fry, like learning the flow of blood through the heart!

When was the last time I wasn't memorizing body functions and secretions? When did I become one of those students who spends her Saturdays in Open Lab standing in front of a fully dissected cat trying to name all the parts? When did I become so hard on myself that a high B wasn't good enough?

Long gone are the days when being a student was fun and carefree.... its time I roll up my sleeves and dig into nursing!

*SIGH*

Pray for me!

One Month to go....

I'm officially on the Birthday countdown!

Thats right, my 21st Birthday is exactly one month (May 15th) from today!

I think the thing I'm most looking forward to is being able to go out for cocktails with my sister once a week... a new sister tradition is in definitely in order.

My move is coming at such a perfect time in my life.

New state, new town, new apartment, new friends, new EVERYTHING!

It'll be a fresh start, something I'm currently in desperate need of.

On top of it all I'll be 21!! FINALLY!

...Watch out Arizona!

LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN!!!

I am a friend of God

Dont you hate that "needy" side of you that desires to be loved? Somewhere down the line we were all taught that to want this love was "needy" and to be needy was weak.

I'll admit, I'm not proud of the fact that I constantly find myself wanting to feel accepted, embraced, taken care of, and understood. But its true, I wants someone who wont leave me, hurt me, or break my heart.

It wasnt until today that I realized I already have this special someone. No more trying to find it in family, friends, or boyfriends. No more broken hearts or seemingly unanswered prayers. No more feeling lonely or desperate.

Why?

Because I have my God.

A God who loves me through thick and thin. A God who stands beside me when I sin, when I curse Him, and when I question Him. A God who knows me and needs no explanation from me. A God who desires to spend a life with me. A God who delights in my quirks, both good and bad.

And best of all, a God who doesnt need me... but a God who wants me.

I am a friend of God,

He calls me Friend!

On the Edge

Have you ever wished you could just take a vacation from your life? A hiatus of sorts. You know, time away from the stress of responsibility, obligations, complicated emotions, tough decisions, and broken relationships. Time to simply sit back, kick up your feet and forget about the world.

I dont know about you, but a vacation from my life sounds absolutely blissful right about now. Its become painfully obvious to me that I've hit a wall...

I feel tired, exhausted, emotional, unbalanced, mixed up, and perpetually pulled in a million directions. I'm frustrated, excited, optimistic, distressed, worried, and all cried out.

Confused yet? Welcome to my world!

I literally feel as if I'm on a crazy never ending roller coaster that has lost its intrigue and is beginning to make me nauseated.

UGH....

I'm out of words, out of feelings, and out of energy to do it all. Where do I go from here? How do I handle what I've created? Whether I like it or not, tomorrow WILL come and I WILL be forced to move forward... but how?

Lord show me the way. Pick me up when my feet wont move. Tell me everything will be "ok". Re-energize me and fill me up. Help me move forward.

Bring the Rain

"And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain. But if that what it takes to Praise you... Jesus bring the rain!"

....tough day.

Easter

Happy Easter everyone!

Its been a blast spending Easter with my family here in Arizona, as you can probably tell by the millions of pictures I've taken and posted.

Last night we all decorated Easter eggs for the "Easter Bunny" to hide, and the joy and excitement on Bella's face was priceless.

As tradition in our family, everyone picks one egg that is specifically theirs to decorate. This egg will be the one you fight with in the morning in our annual Easter Egg Fight!! Here is a Pictures of John's monster egg.... it cracked me up

And of course I HAD to make an "Aunt Emily" egg :-)

This morning we all woke the kids up and had our traditional Easter egg and Easter Basket hunt. This was Tyler's 1st Easter in which he really understood what was going on, and watching him run around finding eggs and baskets was hilarious!

At breakfast we all took our turn at Eggs Fights.... the ultimate champion was non other than the "Jesus" egg I made the night before. How appropriate for Easter!

Here is a cute picture of Bri and Bella egg fighting

After the excitement of breakfast and the digging into of the Easter Baskets, we all got ready and went off to Church.

Good times in Arizona!

After my new apartment was chosen and official, we all went out to Mexican food to celebrate!

Here are some cute pictures of Bell and I playing this morning....

My new neighbor and I (yay for sisters living 1.3 miles apart!)

My New Arizona Apartment

Hello from beautiful Arizona!

I awoke this morning to an amazing desert monsoon and and a nice cool cloudy day perfect for apartment hunting. I can hardly believe it, but its only 1:30pm and I've already signed a lease and am now officially a resident of Scottsdale Arizona! I decided on the Camden Legacy Apartments and couldn't be happier with my choice! The apartment is gorgeous and well worth the long move. Here are some photos I took of the apartment I'll be living in...

Here is my living room. My sister is showing me where things should go

My lovely (and big) kitchen

The dining room... oh and my weird brother in law John (what a goof!)

My sister playing Vana White in my Laundry room (ITS HUGE!!)

Here is one angle of the guest bathroom

The shower/tub in the guest bathroom

The guest room

My bedroom (the master bedroom)

Another angle of my bedroom

Here is the little hall to my bathroom inside my master suit :-)

Master Bath

Different angle of master bath

A girls favorite part of her home.... the walk in closet!! this closet was massive, but its hard to tell because I wasn't able to get the entire width from the angle I was standing. Regardless the closet is easily 3x bigger than what I have now :-) YAY!

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday everyone!!

And a good Friday it is indeed. I just finished packing and I'm off to Arizona for the weekend. Its gonna be a busy two days, but I'm ready to hit the ground running. Please be in prayer that God will give me a clear sign as to where I should live in Arizona. Tomorrow afternoon I will officially be a future Valley of the Sun resident. YAY!! I'll be sure to take lots of pictures of the weekend to post when I get back. Have a wonderful Easter everyone!!

Watch Out!

CAN YOU SAY PMS?!?

I'm cranky, easily annoyed, impatient, emotional, exhausted, bloated, and something that rhymes with "witchy". I truly feel sorry for thoes around me who are forced to endure my oh so lovely Pre-menstrual symptoms. Now excuse me for discussing this so called "off limits" subject, but can I just ask... what in the world was God thinking when He created the menstrual cycle?? I mean expecting women to endure nearly two weeks of emotional hell is simply unreasonable. And what exactly is it men have to endure?... NOTHING! Yet they have the nerve to ask us "is this your time of the month?" when we begin to show the slightest of emotion or annoyance, as if being annoyed has nothing to do with them and everything to do with our period. RIIIIGHT!! Oh and another thing... why is it that at the exact moment our bloating begins and our jeans wont button, is the day we receive the new Victoria's Secret swim suit catalog edition?? Come on people, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! I'd like to see Gisele with no make-up, dirty hair, with an un-airbrushed body, bloated, and cranky shoved into a barely there two piece and see just how sexy she really feels. Am I right?

*SIGH*

I think I need a glass of wine... actually make that a lemon martini!

This poster cracks me up. If you cant read it, it says "PMS: Problems Men Started"

long week... Arizona here I come

UGH what an exhausting day its been!! Can anyone else relate to just how much of a pain in the butt it is to register for classes? I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to figure out my school schedule and somehow integrate it with being able to work and have a social life at the same time. Needless to say, I finally got it all figured out and am now relaxing in the shade drinking a cold glass of lemonade.

With the stress of today behind me, I now have the weekend to look forward to. Not only do I get to celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord with my entire family in Arizona, I also get to finalize the papers on my new apartment :-) Yep, things are moving forward. I can hardly believe I'll be living in Scottsdale in a little over a month... crazy I know. In preparation for my new life in the desert, I've recently begun to shop for a more "summer" wardrobe. That's right, Arizona will finally break me from my jeans and anything the color black obsession. Sun dresses, shorts, and vibrant summer colors are what I'm aiming for. Any suggestions on good (cheap) places to shop??

Although I have no idea what apartment I will officially be choosing, I have a strong feeling I'll be living at the Camden Legacy in Scottsdale. Camden's rent comes in the lowest, yet they have a beautiful, private, and well tended to complex. Here is a sneak preview of the Camden Legacy

I think its easy to see why I love Camden so much... unlike many of the other complexes in Arizona, Camden's landscape bears a striking resemblance to southern California with its tall palm trees and green grass. I'll be the first to admit that while I know Arizona has MUCH to offer... its natural desert landscape is not one of them. I'm sure I'll grow to appreciate and find the beauty in the barren cactus filled land, but in the mean time its always nice to find a place as lush as Camden to be my oasis in the desert. I have no idea where God will lead me, but I trust He will place me where I'm meant to be... I'm just so excited!

Not Me Tuesday

Well it seems my frazzled life has struck again, preventing me from writing my usual Not Me Monday blog... opps! Well who says I cant write a Not Me Tuesday blog?? Hmm lets try it out and see how it goes.

1. I did NOT get up this morning and down multiple cups of coffee just to keep my eyes open long enough to shower and put a little make-up on.
2. I did NOT blast the sound tract to Chicago in my car on my way to work and mouth every word to every song.
3. I did NOT forget to turn the gas on when putting the wet clean clothes in the dryer, only to find sopping wet clothes spinning round and round in a heatless dryer.
4. I did NOT let the kids entertain themselves today with kitchen pans while I scurried to finish my homework for my class tonight.
5. I did NOT say "SHHH" about a million times to the kids this afternoon
6. I did NOT find little James wandering the back yard completely naked... no diaper or anything.
7. I did NOT wipe multiple poopy butts today... yucks thats just gross.
8. I did NOT use the sentence, "We dont eat our boogies"
9. I did NOT eat the kids lunch of tater-tots and left over pizza after they refused to.
10. I did NOT have my sister write me up my first resume simply because I had no idea what one even looked like, let alone knew how to write one myself.
11. I do NOT consider watching The Real Housewives of New York tonight with a glass of wine the highlight of my day.

My Mystery Tree... Solved!

You may remember my recent blog post about my new secret spot with the giant yellow tree in the center, well it turns out my sister recognized the tree in my photo and happened to know that the very tree I thought was so beautiful, is actually the Palo Verde Tree.... the Arizona state tree!! How weird is that?!? My sister actually took a picture of one near her house and sent it to me today....

I guess its yet another sign I was meant to live in Arizona :-)

As my sister would say.... "Go where I grow" (hee hee inside joke between sisters)

The More Boys I Meet...

While dancing in my apartment with my girlfriends during "Girls Night" on Saturday, the song "The More Boys I Meet" by Carrie Underwood began to play and it CRACKED ME UP!! The best part by far is the chorus. Any girl who's tired of dated and sick of kissing all the wrong frogs will love this song.

I dedicate this song to the love of my life... my dog Tirzah :-)

Girls Night!

After a tough week full of many ups and downs its no secret I was in desperate need of a "Girls Night". All I can say is thank goodness for my girlfriends. Becca and Lauren selflessly put their lives on hold for the night to take time out for a much need evening of martinis, food, pjs, games, gossip, and LOTS of laughs. Those who know me best, know I'm a entertainer at heart. I absolutely love to set up my apartment and have people over... and last night was by far one of the most fun I've had entertaining in a while. Here are some pictures of the evening.....

Here is my cute "Girls Night Table before I put all the food on it

The table with all the yummy food

Food Served:

1. Mini Tacos

2. Mini Pizzas

3. Fruit and cheese sicks

4. Veggies and Hummus Dip

5. Chocolate Covered Pretzels

6. Chocolate covered almonds (with rock salt! YUM!)

7. Mocha chip chocolate bars

8. 5 different cheesecakes

Drinks Served:

1. Apple Martinis

2. Lemon Drop martinis

3. White Russians

4. Baileys

5. Red wine

"Whats A Dame to Do"... a HILARIOUS games just for girls! We laughed our butts off!

I make a good bartender :-)

Becca and I with our Lemon Drop Martinis

Lauren and I

Becca and Lauren... cute bunnie ears Becca

My new shot glasses were too cute to resist. Becca's nervous face cracks me up!!

Finally at the end of the night we got a pic of all three of us together.... note my tired eyes and lack of make-up... I look oh so lovely

Picture of our table at the end of the night... MESSY! oh and note the first aid kit on the back left hand corner. I cut my finger with a knife while trying to open something (OUCH!)

Over all it was a wonderful night that we all have decided will now be our new tradition. Even though I'll be moving to Arizona, I know we'll all still get together for "Girls Night" a couple times a year. I will truly miss these girls dearly when I leave :-(

I love you Becca and Lauren! Thanks for coming!