Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Complicated Jumbled Thoughts

The weekend is now near, and as I prepare for what is sure to be a three day emotional roller coaster, I'm beginning to feel a bit unsure.
You see, Casey comes home tomorrow.
Thats right, Casey as in my ex boyfriend Casey. The one who left for Minnesota two months ago for an in depth training in Biomedical Sales, and broke my heart when he told me he was being relocated to New York.... that Casey. As if there were any other.
As I tell most people who inquire about how I'm doing.... Its complicated.
Yes I've been talking with him daily, yes I still care about him deeply, and no I dont know what the current status of our relationship is.
Yes I will be seeing him this weekend, no we are not back together, yes I'm incredibly nervous, and no I dont know what to expect.
Part of me absolutely cant wait to see him, to hug him, to sit in my living room and drink wine with him, but part of me wonders if I'm only making things worse.
Is our relationship doomed to end at some point?
Am I putting off walking away completely so I wont have to feel the ache of a broken relationship?
Do prolonged periods of long distance in a relationship even have a remote possibility of working?
Would it be worth the years of separation and hard work we would have to face?
I dont know.
I dont have any answers.
I dont know what to tell people anymore.
I'm tired of talking about, thinking about it, and crying over it.
I'm through explaining, defending, and making excuses for it.
When it comes down to it, Casey isnt just an ex boyfriend, he's my friend. He understands me and truly knows me. He makes me laugh, and has a uncanny ability to calm me down. He challenges me and fights with me. He pushes me to grow and has no problem telling me when I'm wrong. He isnt afraid of my past or the current baggage I carry. My messy, complicated, disorganized, emotional life doesnt even make him flinch.
He doesnt care that I'm irrational, easily annoyed, highly impatient, or totally messed up. He knows that my stubborn control freak personality is part of my charm.
He listens when I need to talk, and offers advice when I ask.
He prays with me, gives scripture to me, and encourages me through all things.
So what the heck am I supposed to do???
Throw that away, or hold on like hell to a guy who is truly one in a million?
I dont know.....
He comes home tomorrow and for once in my life I'm at a loss.

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